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Friday, 19 September 2008

Currently Listening
Cities
By Anberlin
see related
Taking Some Time O f f.

I think it's about time I try to focus on myself and only myself. For so long, I believed that I could never be happy without being made happy. I realize now that I was wrong and now I am going to do my best to make it right. My problems started freshman year. All I will say is that I got myself into the messiest mess and ever since, I've worked very hard to get myself cleaned up. It's truly amazing how up and down life is. Ultimately, the feeling of being on top of the world seems to either last forever or not long enough. Now we will flash forward to a few months ago, just before school started and my blissful summer had ended. I got myself into another mess and this time, the spill was too close to home. There was nowhere to hide, nothing to say, no shield to protect his feelings with. I spent so long being the broken-hearted and here I was once again, the heart-breaker. I'm tired of being hurt and I'm even more exhausted of being the one who's making the other hurt. I've made plenty of mistakes in my short life. One thing I can say about them is that I am learning. It's a slow process, almost a habit that one has to take time to get rid of.

I've never been a selfish person. Most of the time, I usually think about how my actions will affect the people around me. Whether I care for them or not. My perspective is so simple it's almost boring. I do what makes other people happy because putting a smile on someone's face brings me happiness. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to give a friend some money for lunch without expecting them to pay you back? Is it so wrong to break up with someone because you don't feel the same and you don't want to lie to them? Is it so wrong to say your friend's mom's cooking is delicious? I would never think so because I do these things out of consideration for another person(s). Every decision causes a ripple effect in history. Whatever you do now will affect the whole world one day. If you keep that in mind, the impossible things in life start to look a lot more possible. I like to think that as human beings, we are all connected. In ways too complicated to make uncomplicated and explainable. "Why are we here?" The real question is "Why wouldn't we be?"

Lately, I've been pondering my existence. It seems that my mistakes and actions seem to grow worse every time I make them because I don't make them often. Slow self-destruction seems plausible. I don't want to be a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Sometimes I wish I could please everyone. It's a silly desire but I know there are people who feel it too. I don't want to fit in. I want to squeeze in. I don't mind not being popular. I don't mind not being rich. I mind feeling disliked. You know, when you know someone's talking about you or thinking about how much they don't like you.

I try hard to be nice but I realize that even when you're nice you don't always get that returned.

There's too many mean people out here. They gave you dirty looks saying, "What are you doing here?"

They tell their friends lies and spread as many rumors as possible to make you as unhappy as they are.

They criticize you and laugh about it later.

I don't understand how these people think, work, live. I can't even comprehend the idea of being like that. I refuse to be like that. I...refuse. John Locke believed that mankind was good. I guess I can try harder too.

Thursday, 31 July 2008

Currently Gaming
Gears Of War
By Microsoft
see related
Championshipgay and Majorleaguegay.

yo homey.

so, some of you guys know of my video game obsession

and i just wanted to say

DAMN!

yes, damn

if you are not a gamer, or you are a NEWB

CGS and MLG are two types of PROGAMINGCRAP ( that i know of and only find significant enough to mention )

CGS; CHAMPIONSHIP GAMING SERIES ( betch )

MLG; MAJOR LEAGUE GAMING ( majorly GAY )
_______________________________ ______ ____»EPIC
So, I'm sitting here thinking "what the f*ck? since when did sitting on your ass and pressing a whole crap load of buttons get you paid?!" I mean SERIOUSLY. Did you guys know that these nerdy losers are actually being paid to pop dome? Do you have ANY idea how freaking cool that is? Honestly, I could think of about hmm five hundred ways of wasting my life and possibly(most likely) my time. That includes I don't know...Being a clown or shaving dogs for a living... l: When I first heard about pro gaming I just immediately thought, "Hah, lifeless losers.", right??? Who spends all their time playing video games? Okay, stop looking at my blog like that. So maybe I do spend a MAJORITY of my time playing Gears of War but STILL. I'm not incredibly good and honestly, I only play because I have nothing better to do. And then what's also extremely stupid and surprising is how ( well, i've HEARD ) girls have only been recruited to these kinds of pro gaming sh*t because they're...girls. Okay guys. Come on. You're not going to recruit a male Abercrombie and Fitch model just because he looks HELLA GOOD. So why would they recruit girls just for the hell of having some vaj on the team?

I would NEVER enter the pro gaming world just because I'm a girl. I would definitely like to be extremely good one day, but until then, I'm going to keep practicing. Luckily, I'm pretty good at Gears of War. Shotgun love, son! But until I'm absolutely amazing, I'm not really going to look forward to being apart of CGS or MLG.

Wow, while we're on the subject, I would like to discuss with you all about MLGS (muhlgs). There is nothing, NOTHING more annoying than a crazy MLG wannabe. Ya know, those guys who get way too excited over kills and will trash talk about nonstop. MLGS are also reffered to as ASSHOLES. They consist of stupid insults, clogged up testosterone, instant humping reactors in their tiny little brains, and CLANS. No offense, but I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT against clans. They rid you of your individuality and ultimately group you with a bunch of losers. Losers as in, in every clan, guild, whatever. There will always be an ass. A big ass. And once that ass makes it into a game and completely marks himself as an ass to EVERYONE in that game, your clan will be recognized as asses as well. One, because you guys were stupid enough to let him join and two, because you are officially associated to that ass permanently( unless you were smart enough to leave said ass clan ).

That's pretty much it for now [:

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

new classes, id, schedule, teachers, PRESSURE!

_____________R E G I S T R A T I O N; miscalculation

Although I enjoy wasting my life, today was a particular mishap I would love to go back and change. It's 6:05 a.m. and my alarm goes off. 'I love your existence' by Goot starts playing, I pull my pillow over my head. Eventually realizing that I would not have much time to get ready if I pulled a snoozer, I find the will to get out of bed, rub my eyes, and jump in the shower. I perform the usual; shampoo, conditioner, brush my teeth, wash my body, dry off. I do my hair and make up and it's about 6:50 a.m. I'm all dressed, ready to go. It was simple. Bring a stupid green piece and paper and an even stupider pink piece of paper. Hit the office, get my schedule, and then get the hell out. Back to my home. My pajamas. My bed. Sleep. Instead, I am welcomed warmly by the QHHS staff and treated very well. I was given a paper for the staff to check off every task as needed. We get to two last tasks. We haven't been there long. I've been entertained by Lights. I want to leave. "Alrighty, now all you have to do is get these copied and get your books." I'm thinking about how heavy all that crap was going to be. I bite my lip and follow my dad without a word. To my surprise, he waltz's right pass the copy machine. I...don't know what to say. I follow and keep quiet. We cruise on over to the book depository and are told that we can get my books on the first day of school.

I'm thinking 'Sweet.' No freakishly heavy books to carry.

I'm popping dome on Gears of War until I take a moment to look at my papers I got from school. I silently admired my grades and moved onto that piece of paper that contained all the tasks. It said that if we didn't complete all of them then I wouldn't be considered registered at the school. So, thanks to my father and I obliviously ignoring the steps, I am temporarily not a student. Now my father is angry and refuses to go back. It's now up to me to explain to the staff how my father neglected to perform a step and I silently followed because I had no idea what to do and was barely awake at the time.

Thank you Quartz Hill High School for not letting me get enough sleep.

I am currently; unregistered.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Currently Listening
Selfish
Selfish
see related
No more one liners. . .
CATASTROPHE. CATASTROPHE. CATASTASTASTROPHE-IE.
- wake up
- shower
- get dressed
- check { myspace. email. aim. youtube. }
- play xbox
- sleep
- R E P E A T
_______________________________ ______ ___ __ _......

I often find myself reflecting on the past. I ponder through old journals and notes, even yearbooks where I enjoy reading those signatures my friends would leave me for the ending year. I find it mostly painful to read through my old thoughts and conversations. Those littles things all my friends wrote about me affected me even worse. They made me remember all those feelings and memories. . . They reminded me of all the people, places, and love I had left behind. Moving is a very traumatic experience for someone who has lived in one place for most of their life. It's hard to let go at first, but the good thing about mankind is how well we can adjust. To any situation or any location. It's amazing how can people just move on and how people and places and love can be forgotten so easily in yet brought back by one stupid piece of paper. Don't you just hate the phrase "I'll never forget you"? I've found that no matter how strong the relationship, you always end up forgetting them and you find someone new. It's just how life is. And denying it is just pointless. Because in the back of your mind, you know you're lying. You know you are. So, out of all the catastrophic things in this world like AIDS and poverty, why can't we just admit the truth? Why can't we just say "Goodbye. Hope I see you again and if not, I'm sorry I will forget you." The truth hurts, yes it does. But if we keep denying the truth, we will find it easier and easier to accept lies.

Has anyone else noticed how things get more complicated as you get older? I think I remember my algebra teacher telling us a new way to multiply or something and he said that they wouldn't teach us these things as kids because it would basically make our minds explode. I realize now why people are afraid to grow up. It's a scary world for an adult and I understand that I am completely not ready. I may be "mature for my age" but doing what an average working adult does everyday would make my mind explode. The future, it kind of horrifies me. To the point where I just want to hide under my bed for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that when the time comes, the time for me to be an adult, I will not be ready. I will still be a child and I will be a vulnerable child pushed out into the world that will be more than happy to just eat me right up.

As for my plans and goals, I'm still trying to work that out. I have no idea what I'm good at or what I could possibly achieve. Hopefully I can do something that's good when I'm older.

For the mean time, I'm going to take things slow. Work on my school stuff, hang out with friends, and figure out who I am and who I'm going to be. High school only comes around once and I'm going to take it in for all it's worth. Hey, I'm still a teenager. I have my rights, ya know? I'm really planning on getting a lot of stuff done like posting videos for my channel and being spectacular. It's a good thing the second one comes naturally haha.

_______________________________[stephyybuh-nee.]